


Heinous Harness

by Arya_Greenleaf



Category: Bill & Ted (Movies)
Genre: Background Relationships, Bisexual Character, Hand Jobs, Light Bondage, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Situational Humiliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:41:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28201056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arya_Greenleaf/pseuds/Arya_Greenleaf
Summary: He’d only asked Evil Bill if maybe he wanted to make out just a little bit and things have clearly gotten very out of hand. They’d kept egging each other on and then Evil Ted got involved and...Well. Things were very out of hand.
Relationships: Evil Robot Bill/Evil Robot Ted (Bill & Ted), Evil Robot Bill/Ted "Theodore" Logan/Evil Robot Ted
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	Heinous Harness

**Author's Note:**

> Should I be embarrassed? Probably. Am I? Jury's out.
> 
> The robots are gross and terrible, per usual. No wire pulling in this one though, sorry. Nothing makes any fuckin sense I just hope it makes you laugh or something.

It was a terrible idea to repair the robots.

It was an even more terrible idea to trust them.

It was a downright heinous idea to trust them with any sort of secret.

Ted was just trying to be friendly, to bring them into the fold. Him and Bill had thought that the Good Robot Thems could help the Evil Robot Thems to assimilate a little. They’d thought that maybe asking Station to erase the programming that made them want to kill Bill and Ted would also make them a little nicer, a little less evil.

But Ted had let himself be duped by Evil Bill’s face, too much like his Bill’s, and now he finds himself in the most egregious predicament.

Who would have ever thought that a pile of frayed old transport straps from the back of the van could be fashioned into such wicked implements?

Who would have thought that Evil Bill and Evil Ted would have been smart enough to use them that way?

All of these things run through Ted’s head while he comes to terms with the fact he’s allowed himself to be put in this precarious position. His arms are really starting to get sore, flexed like they are, pretending he’s some kind of muscle man. At least since his hands are near his face he can still turn and scratch his own nose when it gets itchy while the robots are bickering about what exactly they want to do. His legs aren’t as sore as his arms even though his knees are practically around his ears but his back could be better -- the couch may have been the most opportune spot for this wicked game he’s being subjected to but it’s not the most ergonomic. He thinks this might be how the frogs in biology felt -- and that those little metal trays might have been more comfortable than being folded in half like this.

Unlike the frogs in biology class, Ted is most definitely still alive. He’d thought for a few moments, while Evil Bill held him down and Evil Ted reached behind the couch to pull the straps up, that he wouldn’t be alive by the end of it all. But, it became quickly apparent exactly what their aim was and that it totally required an alive Ted.

“We could leave him like this,” Evil Ted suggests. “Let the Other You find him.”

“We could call his babe and let _her_ find him.”

“We could call _both_ of them and let them find him together.”

Ted gulps very hard, trying not to make a sound. In his head, it makes sense that if he stays quiet they might forget he’s there and _not_ do whatever terrible thing they have planned.

“You’d like that, pussweed, wouldn’t you?” Evil Ted teases. “Your dumb little human brain would explode.”

Evil Bill snorts. “Not before his dumb little human dick explodes.”

Ted is, unfortunately, extremely hard. Like, the chubbiest chubby he has ever achieved. It’s not entirely his fault, he reassures himself. They keep touching him and saying things that bypass his brain and go straight to his dick. They are _evil_ , after all, he reminds himself.

“Think he’ll come in his pants?” Evil Ted wonders. He studies Ted for a moment and then puts his foot up on the edge of the couch, the toe of his sneaker very close to very important parts of Ted. He grins when Ted breathes heavier, reveling most obnoxiously in Ted’s nervousness.

Evil Bill laughs. “Oh I’m _sure_ he will.”

Evil Bill hip-checks Evil Ted out of the way and _he_ gets very close. He plants his hands on Ted’s wrists and Ted’s whole world shuts down into the shadowy space underneath where Evil Bill’s shirt is hanging. Ted pretends that everything outside of the green plaid curtain has disappeared and he doesn’t hear his Evil Robot Self snickering just outside of it.

“This is what you wanted, right? Not exactly -- I'm pretty sure you wanted the Other Me. But you’ll totally settle, right dude?” 

Evil Bill is just inches away and his breath stinks like _Funyuns_. It’s easy to imagine he’s Ted’s Bill, though, and it doesn’t taste totally awful when Evil Bill kisses him.

Ted shakes. He feels it in his stomach like he’s trying to lift way too much weight at the gym. Evil Bill stops kissing him abruptly to laugh and jam his knee right up between Ted’s legs. “It’s _twitching_ , dude,” he says over his shoulder to Evil Ted. “Help me get it out, ET, I wanna see it.”

“You got it, EB.”

Evil Bill yanks at the button and zipper on his jeans and Ted’s pretty sure he breaks the pull off. Him and Evil Ted work together -- albeit with some difficulty considering Ted’s position and their total lack of cooperation -- and get his jeans down just far enough that Evil Bill can grab his dick and pull it out of his shorts.

The whole thing is humiliating because it makes his dick twitch again which makes the robots laugh again which makes his dick twitch most egregiously.

Ted blushes so hard he thinks if he got his temperature taken he’d have a fever.

“This dumb shirt is in the way,” Evil Ted complains. 

It’s _not_ a dumb shirt, Ted wants to argue. It's from his time-travelling honeymoon with the princesses and Bill and it's his _favorite_. They took the booth and went back to _Van Halen’s_ very first world tour in 1978 and hit as many shows as they could before they all just got too tired to hit any more.

Evil Bill lets go of Ted’s dick and yanks on the bottom of his shirt, hitching it up around his chest. “Hold this,” he says and shoves a handful of cotton-poly blend right in Ted's mouth. “I wish _you_ were this easy, ET.”

“Well, I’m not a total pussweed, EB.”

Ted’s head is spinning. He can feel his heartbeat in his dick. And there’s an evil robot who looks like his very best, most excellent pal sticking his gross, evil tongue in Ted’s ear. He’d only asked Evil Bill if _maybe_ he wanted to make out just a little bit and things have _clearly_ gotten very out of hand. They’d kept egging each other on and then Evil Ted got involved and, well, here he is.

He doesn’t know why his body is determined that he’s going to enjoy every second of this heinous interlude, but he’s decided that he doesn’t very much object.

Ted ties his best to focus just on Evil Bill’s face while he’s wrapping his awful evil metal robot hand around Ted’s very vulnerable human dick and _sliiiiding_ it up and down. He knows it’s not his Bill but everything in his brain is on the fritz and not entirely registering that it isn’t. He curls his toes and lets himself be kissed again and it’s really not so much like a kiss as it is like Evil Bill might actually be chewing on his face because he’s still got his shirt in his mouth, but he doesn’t really mind. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries very hard not to blow his load too fast. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle the inevitable teasing.

The couch shifts and Ted wants to tell his Metal Dickweed Double to _go away_ , he’s going to ruin everything -- but Evil Ted would probably find that most entertaining and just be more persistent about it.

“Hey, Evil Bill?”

Evil Bill stops kiss-chewing and turns so that him and Ted are cheek to cheek in Evil Ted’s direction. He keeps pulling on Ted’s most _agonizing_ chubby like he’s not even there attached to it. “Yeah, ET?”

“What if -- now just _listen_ , don’t make that face yet -- what if I fucked _you_ while you fucked _him_.”

Evil Bill laughs so hard he chokes. Ted isn’t sure how that really works for a robot, but it happens anyway.

“An EB sandwich, duder.”

“ _Dude_.”

Ted clenches his teeth against the wad of tee shirt but he can’t stop the non-triumphant sound that comes out of him anyway.

“Evil Bill, I think he likes that idea.”

“Later, Evil Ted. This is too much _fun_.”

Ted hazards just a little peek and Evil Ted is _watching_ from the couch cushion next to him. He’s got the _nerve_ to reach up and pinch the bottom of Ted’s foot where it’s dangling in the air in front of him, an expression on his face like someone who’s taking the very last cookie and they know it. Ted grunts and jerks his foot away.

“Aw,” Evil Ted whines. “I don’t think Ted likes me very much.”

“I don’t even like you very much, duder,” Evil Bill says absently, his focus totally centered on the dick in his fist. “What if I rubbed my dick and his dick together at the same time?”

Ted wishes he could turn off his ears. His stomach flutters like it’s full of very confused butterflies and maybe a couple of bees and a handful of moths who aren’t sure where the light went. His legs tremble and his whole body twitches right up into Evil Bill’s hand.

Evil Bill’s eyebrows disappear under his hat. “You gonna come, dude? You’re totally gonna come.” He squeezes harder and strokes faster and Ted just gives himself up to the inevitable. “Couldn’t wait for me to get my dick out, could you?

When Ted comes, it’s very hard and all at once. He can’t look, but he can feel it on his chest and stomach. He’s sure it’s all over Evil Bill’s hand. Evil Ted is laughing and calling him a champ in a way that indicates he most definitely does not think that Ted is a champ.

“EB,” Evil Ted asks casually, still watching but with some noticeable measure of disinterest. “You think he’s been in a pussweed sandwich?”

Ted’s heart races and Evil Bill doesn’t stop moving his hand.

“Like him in the middle of Human Bill and the tall babe.”

“Ask him dude, not me.”

“Ted! You ever done that?”

Ted makes a sound he has only ever heard on _PBS_ when there is something tragic happening like a lion eating an elephant or something. He didn’t even know he was capable of making such a truly astounding sound.

“Is that a yes?”

Evil Ted grins very wide and Ted is afraid he’s going to pinch his foot again so he shakes his head. But now the idea is there and even though Evil Bill has absolutely, most definitely and utterly egregiously gone _way_ too far now and he’s pretty sure if Evil Bill doesn’t knock it off his dick is gonna fall off -- it twitches and he feels hot all over.

Evil Bill finally lets go and Ted’s dick flops against him and it’s very sad looking.

“You humans are really gross, dude.”

He makes a face and holds up his hand so Ted can see it and he really does _not_ wanna see it but what he wants even less is Evil Bill grabbing Ted’s shirt and yanking it out from between his teeth to wipe that hand off on.

“I just thought of something _super_ funny, dude,” Evil Ted offers. He stretches out, crossing his legs at the ankle and putting his arms up behind his head as if Ted is not right there next to him. “We could just ditch him like this.”

“Bogus, dude, bogus.”

“Heinous.”

“Most egregious.”

“I don’t think --”

“Shut up, Ted!” The robots both shout at him.

The phone rings and Evil Ted jumps up to answer it, never one to pass up a chance to mess with Bill and Ted. His interest lost, Evil Bill leaves Ted and wanders into the kitchen.

Ted thrashes against the couch, trying to free himself. The Robot Thems are predictable if nothing else -- the moment they’re distracted, they totally neglect to let him go and while letting himself get all tangled up like this didn’t turn out entirely bad being left like this absolutely would.

“Oh, _hi, Elizabeth_ ,” Evil Ted croons right into the phone.

Evil Bill flaps his hands around now that they’re clean, spraying water all over the place. He turns his attention to the goldfish that lives on the counter.

“I’m a little tied up here at home, _babe_.”

“Bess, no! Don’t list--”

Evil Bill stops dumping the entire container of flakes into the fishbowl and dives across the room to stop Ted’s protests. He laughs without sound, little clicks of air in the back of his throat going _kekekeke_.

“Nope, I’m all on my own. The Metal Us’s totally went out for a walk.” Evil Ted grins back at them, nodding along with whatever Elizabeth is saying on the phone. “Oh? Joanna is picking the human progeny up from the daytime larval facility? And _you and Bill_ are totally on your way home right now? That sounds _most_ excellent, Princess. I’ll leave the door unlocked so you don’t have to find your keys in your purse full of junk! You can just walk right in.” He makes a kissy sound into the phone and slams it back down into the cradle. “Dude!”

“Dude!” 

Evil Bill plants a big, wet, gross kiss on Ted’s forehead and darts away. The pair of them _giggle_ most maniacally and push and shove each other toward the door.

“Hey! _Hey!_ You can’t leave me like this!” Ted thrashes and pulls down on the stupid straps holding his dumb legs up and all it does it make the couch wobble like its going to flip forward and it strikes him how truly cheap the furniture they chose when everyone moved in together is and -- “Hey! You metal jerks!”

Evil Bill flings the door open and the knob hits the wall and the Evil Metal Thems tumble outside. Evil Ted leans back in just far enough to grab the doorknob and shouts, “Have fun, pussweed!”

The door _slams!_ shut and something falls off the wall to the tune of breaking glass.

Ted resolves that he is _never_ gonna be so dumb again. He should have known he’d end up in some ridiculous predicament.

Once an evil robot, always an evil robot.

Everything is very quiet. Ted struggles and doesn't get himself any closer to freedom. Outside, he hears the garage door open.

“Ted?” Elizabeth calls as she comes through the door. Her shoes crunch over what Ted can only assume is whatever frame fell. “What on Earth?”

“Dude?”

_Oh no._

**Author's Note:**

> I love comments!
> 
> [Find me here.](https://aryagreenleaf.carrd.co/)


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